I didn’t know Parliament could do Maths. I thought they just threw things at each other and aggressively pushed through white papers the rest of us didn’t understand. But, heigh-ho, someone can actually do adding up and taking away (Cameron + Clegg – Brown = erm…what, exactly?) The reign of PM Cleeggeron of the Libservative Conocrats has begun and it will remain in place for five years. Good God. I’ve had enough. The London Bluebird cares not who sups from the fine Denby china of Numero Ten and goes about bossing everyone else around, and finds them all deeply suspect. And the old faces, Good God, those depressing old faces….William Hague looks about 100, Osborne is apparently 34 but looks like he’s ready for his bus pass, and, no matter how expensive his tailoring, Oliver Letwin still looks like one of those seedy men who comes up to you in Tottenham Court Road, saying “Wanna buy a laptop?”
Yesterday, The Times leader article proclaimed that the Brown / Cleggeron handover at Numero Ten was a “strangely beautiful” act of democracy. This morning, following the playful and flirtatious rose garden press conference in matching suits, the leader article states Cleggaron was “….casting nervous glances at each other like youngsters on a first date”. I almost vomited into my Pret A Manger granola. Nick looks like he wants to kiss Dave and Dave is cutely bashing eyelashes with Nick. Apparently, the Cabinet Office in Whitehall, where the Lib-Con coalition was bashed out, is where the Tudors used to have cock-fighting contests. If David Cameron is intent on a Great Repeal Act to undo those acts which curbed our civil liberties during the Labour years, he can do a lot worse than start with this one. One of the great joys civilization has denied working politicians is the right to get their cocks out and let them wonder around the floor of the Cabinet Office. Maybe Cameron and Clegg will get onto that next week.
And will somebody please explain to me the complexities of the domestic situation? Are they going to live together at Numero Ten? (Cue montage of domestic footage, Nick in pinny while Cameron looks up from fiscal paperwork and smiles dreamily. Clegg laughing lovingly as Cameron balls up yet another shepherds pie because he’s too busy thinking about the implications of raising the personal allowance for those with self-employed incomes). A member of Cameron’s team was also reported in the paper today as saying : “They may squabble in the bath and argue a bit about their toys but they’ll present a united front to the world.” That’s all right then. Perhaps they can have a toy rota. (“You play with Vince Clegg on a Tuesday and I’ll have George Osborne round for cowboys and indians on a Thursday. Nick, where’s the soap?”)
What are the odds on a civil partnership before the year’s out? I shall buy a hat just in case. Perhaps one of those silly wigs that the Lord Chancellor wears. Theresa May can do the catering. They can dish up all of this financial humble pie diet that Cameron wants to eat. If its available in Waitrose, that is.
David Cameron and Nick Clegg. Dave is the one on the left (Well, there’s a first time for everything, Dave)
Nick Clegg. He hopes he and Dave will have a large family. Well, enough for a majority, anyway.
All this speak about “new politics” is really a load of balderdash, because what we really want to understand is how on earth Cleggeron is going to facilitate the recovery. There is going to be £6billion of cuts this year. Mind you £4billion of that goes into maintaining Cameron’s elegant Tory-quiff hairdo, artfully designed to conceal his bald patch at the back, so that’s most of it sorted out. All this talk of Alternative Vote referendum is appropriate, but the timing of the referendum is not. We’ve all spent the last week talking about the elephants lining the streets in London, and now’s the time for talking about the elephant in the room.
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