I won! I farking won! The London Bluebird is flying around like a mad, mad thing. Don’t Push It came in first (£4 each way on odds of 16/1, thank you) so I picked up £90 on that and State of Play came in third, another one I had backed both ways. I got £50 from that lovely little horsey. So £65 down and £140 back. That should be enough to pay for this week’s petrol, then. Honestly, soon it will be cheaper to travel by chariot drawn by eight white horses than it will to pop down to Esso and fill up the tank of the Bluebird’s motorcar.
The next horse race features a toff thoroughbred, a tired Scottish racer and a bouncy new stallion. It’s called the General Election. Hedge your bets, kids?
You can’t really make any money betting on the general outcome of a general election. You can bet on the percentage of turnout though, with different odds offered by William Hill on 5% sections (50% – 55% turnout, 55% – 60% turnout, 60% – 65% turnout etc) or you can bet on how many seats each party will win in 50 seat sections. But they also have low odds (only 3/1) that there will be two General Elections this year, not one, so don’t throw those ballot papers away, chaps.
My own odds are:
David Cameron’s hair will move (500/1)
Gordon’s glass eye will fall out (60/1)
David will poke Gordon’s good eye out (15/1)
George Osborne will smile (1,000/1)
David Cameron’s enormously high forehead will scare off voters (2/1)
Boris Johnson will destroy Conservative chances by rogue pre-election statements, such as “we are arranging for monkeys to inherit the earth” (9/4)
Tony Blair will morph into JR from Dallas, turn up with a deep tan, blinding white teeth, a weird accent and a stetsun – Oh, hang on. He already did.